Missing the Milestones

As you all know I was teaching at a middle school, and I loved it. I love kids at that age. They are wanna-be-adults which make them easy to handle. If they give you a hard time or they're having difficult day, the students are with you for an hour or two, and then they are off to see their next teacher. They understand sarcasm, figurative language, and are basically fun people to talk to.

I am currently doing a round of student teaching in a third/fourth grade combo. I've worked with this age group before, but never in a Special Day Class setting. Which basically means that the kids are in a Special Education class for most, if not all of the day. I think there is one student in that class that attends a General Education class for 1/2 of the day. Needless to say, that when you get enough students with special needs in a small room dying to get your attention, it can get frustrating.

Across the way is the K-2 Special Day Class where you can hear kids screaming. That frightens me a bit. To think that some people get paid to live in that kind of chaos and do nothing to fix it.

However, I admire those individuals who teach elementary school. There is something so wonderful about an adult willing to spend so much time in a room with the same small children.

Don't get me wrong, I love elementary school, but I miss my middle schoolers more than ever right now. I miss Marck and his little sayings; "Ms. Zaldivar that's colder than the other side of the pillow." I miss arguing with my twin girls and telling them they are capable of much more than they think right now. I miss Andy, who would drive me to the point of lunacy because he was a likable, attention-sucking, seventh grader. I miss my 8th grade class that seem to drop from heaven, where everyone worked hard and tried their best every time. I miss Rudy and her messy backpack and phoning her mother when she had work to complete in English, but chose to not do it. Most of all, I miss seeing their successes. I'm missing all of these end of the year milestones and breakthroughs.

I know I am not getting my old job back, because apparently Harvard won out this time, but I know that I like this age group.

Crazy thing is... my next group of kids are most likely going be in a lower grade. =) Wish me luck with the babies.

"Remember me?"

Pursuing a dream is tough. At some point in my life, I stopped taking risks. I took the easy route, and chose a career over my dreams. I loved the career I chose, but dreams seem so much more exiting. People who can I say, "I accomplished my dreams" fascinate me." I wonder if those people ever switched off on dreams or gave up on, at least, two of them.

You see, in high school I signed every yearbook with the following phrase; "Follow your dreams, they'll take you anywhere you want to go." This was my motto, my life mission, my credence, and yet I gave up on my teenage dreams. I found new goals along the way, but that dream never seemed to die. I kept that dream going until part of that dream was shattered in 2006 by a man that I loved and trusted. I then shifted gears, and went the practical route, which gave me credibility with my family. I grew in my faith in the Lord. I learned about the importance of managing money. I met an amazing man who loves me more than anyone else on this earth and who taught me to love again. Yet, through it all that little dream kept popping its head up and saying "Remember me? You loved me once." My inner monologue would patronize it, saying, "I'll get to you in a minute," but I never did.

When I graduated from school in 2005, I was ready to take on the world. I had my acting degree and I was ready to audition for every show I could. Then, I had that wedding to plan, and realized the man I was about to marry didn't love me, and for some reason when all of this went down hill, I had to make a new plan for myself.

So I started looking at my second passion in life: working with kids. Who works with kids? The finalists on that list were Teachers and Social Workers. So, I decided to become a teacher. Better yet, I became a Special Education teacher, and I am a damn good teacher. Kids that no one else can handle, I can deal with it. I dropped that little ol' dream of acting and poured my heart & soul into my kids. I probably spent 200/ month on my classroom supplies; buying markers and crayons, books, workbooks, and necessities for some of my more needy students. I loved seeing the kids come in and learn. I especially enjoy middle school, because they are still kids, yet they understand sarcasm and know pop culture. So chasing the the acting dream, just sat there for three years while I helped mold the future of America.

The more and more I sit around waiting for people to call and filling out job applications online, I keep thinking I need to do something with my talents. Something that will help people, maybe kids, maybe teens. I hope I can use these talents to praise God. I have been praying and asking the Lord to guide me, but this little "dream" keeps bugging me to reach for it. Maybe, I will fulfill my life's goal. Who knows? Maybe I'll be one of those people who said "I accomplished my dreams."

Dream: Remember me? You loved me once.

Debbie: Hey, I was just thinking about you. Sorry, I've been so busy, pal. Wanna hang out today?

Gasping for Breath

Let me start by saying, I am a 31 year old newly wed, who has recently lost her job as a Special Education Teacher. Technically, I was an intern, but it was a paid gig, so I guess, I am unemployed. When I was told, on a Wednesday, that Friday would be my last day, I cried. I cried that sick sobbing cry that you try to breathe through, but for some reason each breath you take makes you sob more pathetically than the first. It makes you look like a fish out of water gasping for breath. Which is exactly what I felt like; as if someone had pulled me out of my world and said "You have three days to live." I just kept thinking about my students, and who would take over my class of special needs kids? Who was going to care about them like I do? I felt as if a little part of me died that day.

One day I will look back on this experience and say, "Gosh, that was nothing compared to..." and I will fill in the blank with something more terrible than this, but for now, this is the "suckiest" thing that has happened to me in a while. Here's the thing too, I need to finish school, but I need money to pay my tuition, but if I can't pay my tuition I can't go to school, but if I don't finish school, I won't have a job.... you get the picture. I call it the circle of doom.

So, for now, I am going back to what I know: Working with kids, and the Performing Arts. I act and sing, so I thought I would go back to what I know so I can get a job to pay for school. I have applied to over 20 postings in the last week, and I heard back from one. My friend Erin, who is an amazing photographer will be hooking me up with headshots on Wednesday, and hopefully I can get a job in Educational Theatre. I am crossing my fingers that I can remember what I taught back in the day. I am nervous, but I figure I have to do something to survive.

The crazy thing is, that through all of the chaos and despair, I have felt the Lord comfort me more than ever. God has sent the most wonderful people to give me Bible verses, and words on encouragement. I know that I have been asking the Lord to help me fulfill my purpose in this world, and maybe this is all part of his grander plan.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

"A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

I guess my plan wasn't good enough, and the Lord shifted my steps in a new direction. I just pray that the Holy Spirit will direct my steps to what he has planned for me. I hope that this sick feeling of uncertainty be filled with God's peace and understanding for what he really wants from me.

If you read this and pray, ask for the Lord to guide my steps and give me His wisdom and His vision for my life.