Gasping for Breath

Let me start by saying, I am a 31 year old newly wed, who has recently lost her job as a Special Education Teacher. Technically, I was an intern, but it was a paid gig, so I guess, I am unemployed. When I was told, on a Wednesday, that Friday would be my last day, I cried. I cried that sick sobbing cry that you try to breathe through, but for some reason each breath you take makes you sob more pathetically than the first. It makes you look like a fish out of water gasping for breath. Which is exactly what I felt like; as if someone had pulled me out of my world and said "You have three days to live." I just kept thinking about my students, and who would take over my class of special needs kids? Who was going to care about them like I do? I felt as if a little part of me died that day.

One day I will look back on this experience and say, "Gosh, that was nothing compared to..." and I will fill in the blank with something more terrible than this, but for now, this is the "suckiest" thing that has happened to me in a while. Here's the thing too, I need to finish school, but I need money to pay my tuition, but if I can't pay my tuition I can't go to school, but if I don't finish school, I won't have a job.... you get the picture. I call it the circle of doom.

So, for now, I am going back to what I know: Working with kids, and the Performing Arts. I act and sing, so I thought I would go back to what I know so I can get a job to pay for school. I have applied to over 20 postings in the last week, and I heard back from one. My friend Erin, who is an amazing photographer will be hooking me up with headshots on Wednesday, and hopefully I can get a job in Educational Theatre. I am crossing my fingers that I can remember what I taught back in the day. I am nervous, but I figure I have to do something to survive.

The crazy thing is, that through all of the chaos and despair, I have felt the Lord comfort me more than ever. God has sent the most wonderful people to give me Bible verses, and words on encouragement. I know that I have been asking the Lord to help me fulfill my purpose in this world, and maybe this is all part of his grander plan.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

"A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

I guess my plan wasn't good enough, and the Lord shifted my steps in a new direction. I just pray that the Holy Spirit will direct my steps to what he has planned for me. I hope that this sick feeling of uncertainty be filled with God's peace and understanding for what he really wants from me.

If you read this and pray, ask for the Lord to guide my steps and give me His wisdom and His vision for my life.